Inside this episode I’m having a conversation with my lovely client, Nicole Hungerford. Wife, Step-Mum and Manager at an IT company based in Wellington.
In this honest and open conversation, Nicole speaks to the struggles that many of us face as women at work and in leadership roles.
She discusses how she has not only moved through these, but also transformed her confidence and shifted and expanded the perception she has of herself as a manager and leader.
In this episode we discuss:
Work With Me:
Elevate The Mastermind
The 4 Step Process To Release Emotional Stress Digital Course:
Visit my website: annabellematson.com
Social Media
Find me on:
If this podcast serves you, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a rating and review.
Share this episode with a friend who may enjoy it too.
Inside this episode I’m having a conversation with my lovely client, Nicole Hungerford. Wife, Step-Mum and Manager at an IT company based in Wellington.
In this honest and open conversation, Nicole speaks to the struggles that many of us face as women at work and in leadership roles.
She discusses how she has not only moved through these, but also transformed her confidence and shifted and expanded the perception she has of herself as a manager and leader.
In this episode we discuss:
Work With Me:
Elevate The Mastermind
The 4 Step Process To Release Emotional Stress Digital Course:
Visit my website: annabellematson.com
Social Media
Find me on:
If this podcast serves you, I’d really appreciate it if you could leave a rating and review.
Share this episode with a friend who may enjoy it too.
Hi, it's Annabelle Mattson and welcome to the Steep Your Soul podcast, soulful guidance for women who are seeking deeper truth and meaning to their lives. If you're ready to move past what's been holding you back and awaken to your full potential and purpose in life, then let's get started. Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. It's Annabelle here. Thanks so much for tuning in. If you're new here or you haven't already be sure to subscribe to the podcast. You can do that pretty easily. If you're listening on Apple podcasts on Spotify, if you scroll up to the top, there's a little bell there up the top. And don't forget to have a browse through some of the other podcast episodes once you've had listened to this one. And if you'd like to learn more about me and my work, you can head to the website links below and check those out. So inside this episode, I'm having a conversation with my lovely client, Nicole Hungerford. She is a wife, stepmom, and manager at an IT company based in Wellington. And she came into my space at the beginning of this year, and she talks a little bit about in the episode, how we got connected and it was actually via this podcast a friend had been talking about our work together and she jumped onto my podcast and had a listen and had a really big light bulb moment listening to one of the episodes where I was interviewing another client. So she talks a little bit more about that in the episode. So this was a really wonderful conversation. Nicole was super honest. This was a really open conversation. She was really putting words around and speaking to the struggles that many of us face as women at work and in leadership roles and how she's not only moved through these struggles, but also transformed her confidence and shifted and expanded the perception that she has of herself as a manager and a leader. So in this episode, we're discussing why it's so important that we have open conversations about self doubt at work and really start to normalize these tendencies. She's talking about her own journey with self doubt and finding her place at work, as well as the pressure she's felt to measure up to expectations. both from herself and her team, the struggles that she's had delivering unpleasant news to people that she manages because she recognizes that she's a recovering people pleaser and some of the key shifts that she's made to feel more comfortable and more confident within herself at work. She discusses emotional release techniques and how that's really leveled out her emotions and enabled her to feel. More stable, a greater sense of happiness, how belief work and shifting her self talk has really boosted her self esteem and her confidence. Lots of tips and techniques along the way in this conversation that are now part of her daily practices that you can pick up and use as well. And just some honest insights into working together in my one on one program and more. So tune into this episode. I love how honest Nicole is. She you know, is willing to be very vulnerable about where she was at, what was going on for her and how she's been able to move through that. And so I'm sure there's something in this for you as well. So tune into the episode. And as I said, if you'd like to learn more about working together. I currently am taking on my last few clients for the rest of the year. So I have a couple of places available in my one on one program starting in October. So there's the link below. You can head over to my website to learn a bit more about me and see my latest offerings.
Annabele:Welcome Nicole to the podcast. It's so great to have you here. I'm really looking forward to our discussion today. And for you to share a little bit about your experience of us working together and some of the insights that have come through for you. You're such a positive, uplifting, encouraging person. So I know like hearing your perspective is going to be really valuable for people. So thank you for being here. Thank
Nicole:you for having me. It's great to be able to have the opportunity to talk and provide guidance to other people who might be thinking about working with you.
Annabele:Yeah, wonderful. So why don't we start off with, why don't you introduce yourself and just tell us a little bit about you.
Nicole:So my name's Nicole, as you mentioned. And I am 35. I work for a small it company based in Wellington. I am a stepmom two, three mixed bag of teenagers. And in fun times there in general I also have the joy of working with my husband, which can be a good thing and a bad thing depends how you look at it. So I'm sure when I came knocking on your door, you probably wondered what you'd walked into, but lots of fun and lots of challenges across the board. I think that's everything. Yeah, cool. So
Annabele:Why don't you tell us a little bit about what drew you to getting some support sort of, where were you, where were you when just before or as you reached out to inquire about working together?
Nicole:Yeah, so I've been working this, so, my current role is my only role, so out of university I started working there and I loved it, absolutely great culture the business started as five, it's now ten it's, enjoyed the growth and my role within it. I started out with an accounting background, kind of doing finance and moved into kind of managing people, which is scary in an IT industry where I don't actually know anything about IT, but thrived on that challenge. And then continued to grow and obviously met my husband at work. And then there was the challenge of that, which is a whole thing. And then yeah, so the team grew, my role grew, and my involvement kind of externally with clients grew. And with that came extra challenges and kind of extra expectations that I had put on myself, but also expectations of what I think or what I wanted to be in terms of manager, how I wanted to support the people, what I thought they needed. And so. I was in a tricky position in that while there was guidance and support within the business, it was my husband. And that doesn't always work out for the best of conversations, but he quite rightly said, I suggest you look externally. And I started looking into life coaches and I didn't really know what a life coach was. But I knew I didn't want to go to therapy. I knew I wanted to work on myself and I started doing some kind of light research, but it didn't really seem for me. And I actually caught up with a really good friend and she mentioned that she was going into a life coach and it was a real light bulb moment for me because she is someone who I hold in high regard in terms of her approach to work. She's incredibly strong and driven. And when I found out that she had gone to a life coach, I automatically felt a moment of. If she can do this, and she's amazing at what she does, maybe this is right for me. Maybe this is my place. And then the more and more she talked about you Annabelle, I was like, okay, I can, I didn't feel like it was going to be, it felt like it was creating a space or a place and that I could start there and find, find what I needed. So yeah, it was got a word of mouth, which two degrees of separation in New Zealand is a whole thing. It is. It is. Yeah. Picking off that journey meant that I found you and when I started, I wasn't quite sure what I had some ideas of what I needed from the journey, but I wasn't quite sure what path it would take. And obviously that's where you came in and, and, and, and move things along. Yeah, brilliant.
Annabele:I love that. And I find actually with a lot of my clients there is like two degrees of separation between people, which is really lovely. So it's almost like It feels like this beautiful little community where people are connected in lots of lovely ways, whether it be a friend or like a work colleague or a family member. And so it all kind of builds out that way, which is just for me personally, it feels so lovely to have like a community of clients like that. So what was sort of showing up for you? So you, you were saying like, you know, you'd experienced a lot of growth and. Your role and realize like, okay, there's some gaps here that I need some support with like what specifically do you think was showing up for you that that made you feel like, oh, yes, I'm seeing this or I'm struggling with this. This is why I need some some extra support.
Nicole:Yeah, I think the themes or things I know now are different to what I knew then. What was showing up for me was definitely that sense of huge self doubt. Also that sense of that self doubt really deep seatedly also was around my husband, and making sure that people didn't just think that I was in my job because I was his wife, which you tell people that and they're like, you're crazy, but I genuinely thought that Even so much thought about not changing my last name in my work emails to keep that sense of no I've worked really hard to be who I am So so that that was a real issue and that was holding me back in ways more ways than I even really realized. But also the One of the other main things was feeling, not scared, but apprehensive to deliver news that people didn't, probably didn't want to hear. Worrying too much about other people's emotions is probably a good way to sum it up. But then also, not wanting to be a cow or inconsiderate, or I wanted to be this amazing supportive manager, but I didn't have the tools or the ways to support people. So really that, that piece of work came or this coming to you came from feeling like less than, less than a good manager, less than what I should be providing to the people at work. And it really was work driven. I didn't see it so much from my personal life. But yeah, it was the really in those work areas where I felt that I wasn't kind of measuring Apple. Being at a point that I should be, or that my team needed me to
Annabele:be. That's so beautiful. And thank you for your honesty and being willing to share that. I know one of the things that we talked about actually, I think prior to us starting to work together is that you'd listened to another podcast episode. Where I was speaking with another client of mine and she was sharing some similar things and it broke down a barrier for you around, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I'd love to kind of hear that from you as well. Like that's why I feel. So passionate about having these conversations on the podcast, not only me just sharing some, some insight and guidance on the solo episodes, but to have conversations like this with other women and other clients, and to actually break down the barriers and to put words around some of these things that we all feel. And we all experienced that a lot of the time we're not talking about because we feel like. It makes, you know, we have to put on this, this facade that we're really strong and competent, and we can't have these fears and these doubts and these worries. So tell us a little bit about
Nicole:that. Absolutely. And you know, this came about, as I said for catching up with a BYU with a friend, and we had a really great discussion and I just had this really oh, it's not just me moment. And that was really great and probably a habit that I've got into. I love like for me being social and catching up with my girlfriends and having a good old bent is a real cut filling exercise. So I had that and it was like, okay, this is the next step. So I had had a look on your website and saw that you had a podcast and I thought I'll put it on and I'm not a podcast person, which is quite ironic that we find ourselves here, but listen to it on the way home. And one of It was with a lady who kind of talked about a sense of that, wanting to be confident, not feeling that they should have to apologize for their behavior or you kind of that the difference between men and women in the workplace and feeling confident. Cause something that someone had said to me that it probably cut deep, but it probably was actually really on point with what I was experiencing was you're a really confident person, but not at work. Like when people question me or whatever, I'd kind of second guess myself, but in my personal life. Absolutely. I'll tell someone to let you know, stand up for myself, but in my work environment, I was a bit kind of second guessing. So I listened to the podcast and I was driving home. And for me, I have a relatively long commute. So I spent a lot of time kind of thinking about those things and working through my head. And so that was a really private space for me. And I honestly, I just burst out crying because My epiphany moment was it's not just me. I'm not, there's not something wrong with me. I am not a person who's striving or wanting anything more than the rest of amazing females out there. And that was a big light bulb moment and probably put me in a right space to be able to absorb the help that you're willing to give me. Whereas I know there can be a sense of like, look, I don't feel great, but I'll just put up with it. Or I'm scared or nervous. But I'm not sure what to do or, you know, rightly or wrongly talking to my friends provided kind of a quick relief, but it never really solved the problem by having a good vent about it really does help. It's quite nice, but it didn't really get to the core of the problem because it wasn't really changing any behavior. But yeah, I guess that's what kind of flicked and it was that sense of I found my place because I think we, I say we, but hopefully we have all been in places where you've perhaps been a bit vulnerable. And being hurt'cause it's not the right space or not the right person to share that information with. So I think so true. Finding your space and finding a place where you can feel safe to be yourself and know that your feelings are gonna be treated with the respect they deserve is so important. And again, when you find that space, what can happen is and, and has happened with you, Anabel is absolutely amazing. That you can flourish and feel supported to, to do whatever it is that you need to do in that space. Mm-hmm.
Annabele:That's so beautiful. So, So beautifully put. And yeah, I just think it's so important that we have these conversations and normalize these things that come up for all of us and our work and sometimes, you know, work and personal life, we see the same thing showing up, but in slightly different ways. It's just so important that we discuss it and put words around it, because then I think it takes out some of the charge or often there's like a deeper level of shame around it as well. Especially if we're high achieving and from the outside looking and people look at us and go like, Oh, wow, you know, you're achieving so much, look how competent you are. But it, and, but on the inside, it's like, we've got. A lot of imposter syndrome or a lot of thoughts that are telling us. Otherwise, there can be a lot of shame that sits around that thinking like,
Nicole:absolutely, you're
Annabele:not in my internal world, it feels so different. So I think it's just important that we just say like, all of that is a normal and it's important We have these conversations. To I guess release the stigma around it.
Nicole:Yeah. And also feel that it's, it's not just you, you're not, you don't have to be out there and we see it. We, people talk about it with social media, you know, you see all these people with these amazing lives and, and no one knows what you're going through, what's going on on your head, what you're thinking, what you're dealing with. You know one of the things we talked about the other weekend about, which was really good is You know, people pleasing that I'm a recovering people pleaser, but ironically I was thinking about this the other day as a, as a mom or any involvement with children, your job is literally to be a people pleaser. You know, that small person wants everything from you. And In order to absolutely nail that job, you naturally become a people pleaser and you get a busy family and all of a sudden, you know, you're worrying about your husband's feelings and has dinner been sorted and what's the washing and all of these things and then you just naturally fall into the vortex of being so unimportant. And so taking those times to go, you know, all of that stuff is important, but my feelings, thoughts, and being the best. version of me means that I can do all of those things. And yeah, I guess, I guess the world we live in where it's so busy and there is so much competing for our attention, it can be really easy to just kind of shut up and put up and think that that's just is how it is. Yes. And, and in a world where it's very hard to carve out time for yourself, how important that is. Yes,
Annabele:absolutely. Maybe that's what we'll move to next. Is your point around people pleasing and you'd referenced earlier at the beginning of our discussion here around feeling like responsible for other people's feelings. And I guess the two sort of go hand in hand, don't they? Like, do you want to share a little bit around And that shifted for you and in that space.
Nicole:Absolutely. So it's, it's funny. When you start working with, with yourself and about, it's one of those things where I came in quite like, well, what are we going to talk about? And will I have enough? And then ironically, probably anyone who's listening to this, knowing me would go, oh my God, I could have a conversation with a fence post. There was no concern that we wouldn't have anything to talk about. But, as we started kind of delving into things, it was, it became really apparent that one of my issues was around this term that I and myself called being a bad person. And perhaps something, and we obviously talked a lot about in a child and where that comes from, but something along my journey that I had picked up that there was this idea that I was a bad person. Was I a bad friend? Was I a bad stepmom? Was I a bad? And, and it's quite, I don't know, quite interesting language, but it's something that we picked up and that bad person stuff really driven, especially in a work environment. was around, I had bad news to deliver and the bad news was that say someone wasn't quite performing. I had examples, but I would get into situations and I would feel, I would feel bad for them. And I didn't want to be a bad person. I didn't want to make them feel bad. So we would have this I think we described it at one point and I was like, there's word vomit on people where I'd be like, look, you've done something really bad, but the thing is, it's not that bad and we can work together and it'll be great. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And this poor person's probably sitting there going, well, I think that's good, but am I bad? And how does all this work? And how does this fit together? And so one of the big things there was taking a step back and. I'm someone who has a very logical, practical mind in terms of how things sit and so Annabel made me a table which literally was an agreement and I, it's probably one of the things I reference in my mind the most is a table of what are my responsibilities and what are not my responsibilities and being really clear on that and pulling away from I'm a bad person if I go into it and, and. And say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It was more about what are my responsibilities to them as my manager, but also to myself to make sure that I'm not leaving that meeting feeling like I wasn't clear or I left a part of myself there or any of those. And so that table ironically has now become really helpful, not only in workplace. Situations, but also family and true in a lot of our work, you know, quite quickly, it became evident that the themes weren't just at work. They were things that actually showed up in my personal life and relationships across the board. But yeah, I think people pleasing is something that a lot of females can relate to in various situations, but also understanding that. I mean, people can see that as a bad thing and, and maybe it is, but maybe a part of it is just who we are in terms of that really loving, caring. But I think the big change for me or big discussion that we had was around what those responsibilities were to myself and making sure that in that people pleasing, I wasn't overstepping the mark or, or. Not making myself a victim, but, but giving more than I needed to and feeling drained and disappointed and let down in situations that I didn't need to.
Annabele:So true. And I think, you know, a lot of people were like, when you're really empathetic and you have naturally you know, you care about people and you care about how they feel. There's always, what I always say is like. There, there's a light and dark to all of our patterns. So there's a light to that. Being empathetic is, you know, we can, we can, we can really tune into people's feelings and understand quite quickly what people need and to be able to rally support around them in that way. And there's lots of other, you know, beautiful light aspects to having a caring personality, but often there's also a shadow part to, to those personality traits as well. And. The shadow part of that is really
Nicole:it's
Annabele:care, it's caring or taking on too much responsibility for other people's feelings and often losing ourselves in that process. And I remember hearing, I'm kind of butchering this quote, but I remember hearing or reading something a few years ago, which was the things that make us, us can also become our undoing. And I think that's really what this is. And, and how it sort of plays out is while, whilst we can really identify with being a caring person and someone who really looks out for others is a point also where that can become our undoing, where we do things either in our personal life or our working life, where we're kind of walking up to a line. And we walk up there and, and, and that's, we walk up to that line and everything before that line is us kind of honoring a personal value of like being someone who takes care, takes care of others or looks out for other people as caring and empathetic. And then we walk up to that line and then there's often a point where we cross that line. This is where we start to enter into the pattern and we'll know we've entered into the pattern by how our body feels, right? How we'll start to probably feel a raciness and anxiousness. We'll feel different sensations in our body. And it's once we cross that line, it's really hard to do what's right and what's needed. Because we're now very attached to other people's feelings and it's. Kind of almost entering into a bit of that codependency piece where it's like, I need you to be okay now so that I can feel okay. It's like my sense of safety within myself is really attached to how you're showing up and your feelings. So I'm going to reach over this line and do more than I need to do so that I can make you feel okay so that I can feel okay. And so. A big part of it is creating that sense of safety in our own body. Isn't it? And I know we've like talked a lot about that.
Nicole:Yeah, absolutely. And it's something that I've had quite extensive conversations, my husband about, you know, to the point where sometimes I would give away things, physical things that I needed to use, but I really wanted to help the person on the other side. And they were kind of like, cool. Like I just mentioned one time that I might want help with something, but it was, it was that sense of like, this is how I show love. This is how I show compassion. This is how I, how I fill my cup. And I want everyone, I genuinely want everyone to feel that love and appreciation and what they mean to me. And that's how I was doing it. But it was at the detriment to myself, but I couldn't say that I couldn't say that. And it went both ways because I was giving all this love. I was getting really disheartened is probably the best word when things weren't coming back either. You know, people kind of like. I'm all good. I'm over here doing my thing. I'll be fine. I mean, teenagers is case in point with that, right? You shower those, those people with love and they're giving you nothing back. You can work so hard, you know, you make the best lunches, you care for them, you're driving them everywhere and they give you nothing back. But deep down inside, you know, there is, but it's, it's a tricky situation. You know, I see that on that continuum that you've mentioned that line and that whole stuff that we were talking about being a bad person as well. I'm someone who I was so nervous about as a person being cocky. Like, I just see that as really yuck and, and, and kind of a really negative side of being confident. But what that meant was in situations, I was perhaps going too far on the other side or too far back from the line. Like, Oh, I don't want to get too close to appearing like I know what I'm doing because people think I'm cocky. People will think I'm, yeah, I rate myself and I, I'm like, no, no, no, that's not me. But it was at the same point, I was really kind of holding myself back because I was too worried about that line. I was talking to a colleague today about the whole idea of you know, perks or in a work situation where you want to leave early and it's like, Oh, should I? And it's like, you know, I've done massive hours. If I want to leave early, I absolutely have earned the right, but I'm more likely to disadvantage myself because I wouldn't want anyone. To think that I was you know, less than or not doing an even amount of work. So I'm more likely to disadvantage myself to make sure that everyone thinks that I'm doing the right thing when actually I don't think anyone in my office would blink an eye if I walked out early, but I'm more likely to be cautious or worried about those things to make sure that. Everyone thinks that I'm doing the right thing, you know, and as we're talking about that, it just takes me right back about how complicated those situations were in my head as well. Like I've got to worry about this to do the thing to do this day versus like, hold on, it doesn't have to, it doesn't have to be that hard. It's, it's just going round and round and round. And they're kind of looping over complicated thoughts of a situation. Like I want to go to the gym at four o'clock. I'm going to leave early.
Annabele:Yes, absolutely. Without there being like a whole lot of mind drama that sits around
Nicole:that. Yeah, Mindrum is a good word for it. The, the, the games or or, or situations that it creates to overcomplicate things when it's like, no, it doesn't have to be that hard and, and how easy you can fall into that trap with.
Annabele:Absolutely. And I guess on that, I know something that's been really helpful for you that we've referenced through it, like our whole program together is. The power of the four steps. And we can maybe in your words, you can explain what that is. It's a, it's a process or a step by step kind of framework that I take every client I work through work with through, because it's just so it's like one of those like foundational concepts. I know that that's been like a favorite of yours and something that's been like really impactful. Like, do you want to share a little bit about like what the four steps is to you and like how that's helped
Nicole:you? Yeah, absolutely. And hopefully to use your words, I don't butcher them, but No, so four steps obviously came in as part of our work. We were dealing with some heavy stuff and I listened to it via the audio book. I was walking the dog and I was walking around this beautiful walk, doing this like, Oh, out loud. Cause it was one of those like really revolutionary moments for me where it's like, it just made sense. Like it really appealed to my inner self. And again, I'm a process driven person. And also one of the things that quite funnily related, not related came up was when I was talking to people about this work with life coach, you know, people are kind of like, Oh, is that therapy or what has come out of it and will you get steps and how, how will you apply it? Like when will you see changes? And I was like four steps is the perfect example of that, something that is a process driven and is a practical every day, three times a day, once every six months. Whenever you need it thing that you can apply which has been really great. Cause I think again, it's actually being able to apply the skills that you learn in a real life situation and be able to pop them down. So so
Annabele:what kind of situations would you like, we call it the four steps colloquial, but it's like the four step process. To release emotional stress. So like how do you apply it? Like, how does it help
Nicole:you? Well, I think that the first thing is when you, for me, it's looping thoughts, as soon as I start overthinking, thinking or analyzing stuff. So things, you know, trying to go to sleep at night, worrying about things at an opportune times, I'm like, Oh, It's time. It's time. So that's really about taking that time for myself. And it's either again in the commute on the way home or at home or actually literally sitting down at home and working through. So awareness, those picking up the signs. We had a conversation the other day. There's not, it's not always clear. Exactly what it is. Sometimes it's a feeling. Sometimes it's a sense that everything isn't quite right. And then taking the time and some of that is just sitting with, sitting with those feelings. First of all, to be like, okay. I found the breath work really helpful. So taking some time to actually get into my body. So take that time. And I know that's one of the things that Again, was quite revolutionary about getting out of my head and into my body and into my feelings. So kind of taking that time to, to, to breathe which is such a simple concept, right? But for me, Game Changer, I was a little bit like, Oh, how is this going to help? But actually taking that moment just to relax, to take five, to get into it, to be present. And then working through those feelings. So tapping has been huge. Even though half the time I worry about whether I'm tapping in the right places or doing the right things. It's really about just, and you've said this before, is just get, just getting into it. Don't worry about all the, do I say the wrong thing? Have I, have I done it wrong? It's just getting in and getting amongst it. So that, and journaling, journaling has been huge for me. About writing down, I found that when I'm writing, it's a little bit like having a conversation with someone. All these feelings come out that I didn't know that I felt because I'm giving my body almost the opportunity just to let it out. And while writing, it's like, wow, okay, good to know. So that process for me allows it to, to really just flow. And sometimes those kind of eureka moments, Hey, I do actually feel this way. Cause I'm giving myself the chance to process that. And then. The other part has been the belief work, which I will admit I was a bit of a skeptic about, initially, about how that would work. And I found the whole idea of saying nice things to myself really, really weird. And you provided the tip to record them and... Because I have the drive home, I play them in the car. And that's been massive. That just really caps off that work. That sense of like, you know what I am capable, I am good at these things. And even if I didn't believe them when we wrote them or when we started the work towards it has meant that I do. And then I usually pay that off for some. Good old fashioned music, some Shania Twain, Man, I feel like a woman seems to hit the spot. And then by then I'm home. Yeah, that kind of process. And I will admit that it's not always four step perfectly. And I'm sure that you kind of made that framework. For that reason, it doesn't follow step one, step two, step three. Every time it's about making the process work for me. And I think that's one of the really cool things about your work, Annabelle, is that it's a process, but it can work for anyone in any way, in any shape. It's not, it's not firm. You must spend this long doing this part or in this particular way, which is so cool. So cool.
Annabele:That's awesome. And I just think. It's so important, isn't it, for us to create some distance or some separation with our thoughts. You talked a lot about looping thoughts and with the feelings that come up for us, because it's very difficult for us to show up in an empowered way, in a way. That feels good to us and our bodies and our nervous systems at work and at home when we have unprocessed emotion. We've talked about it before, but it's literally the equivalent of handing the keys over to that in a child, that five year old version of yourself and being like, off you go, go for a drive. And that's what it's like when we have. Unprocessed emotion in our body from everything from minor annoyances to really big triggers that happen in our day and our week or there's some stuff from our past that is still present for us and floating through our body. It's, it's, as I said, it's like handing over the keys to the inner child and say, go for a drive. And it's like, we then regress back to. Showing up and acting from this very wounded triggered five year old self It's difficult to show up as the adult version of us that can look at things really objectively that can let triggers wash off us and be brushed off us. It's difficult to see things clearly and rationally when our inner child is the one driving the car. So that's really what the four step process does. And by the way, if people are interested, you can actually purchase that as like a self paced digital course. Without working with me one-on-one. And I'll leave a link to the description in the description for that. But that's really what the four step process in processing our emotions does, is it gives us the ability to like lay it all out. It's like laying it all out on the table. This is what I'm feeling. I notice that I'm feeling racy or worried, or I've got looping thoughts or I'm feeling shut down, or I'm scrolling a lot on my phone, or I'm feeling like I'm needing to please people or You know, unprocessed emotion can sharpen so many different ways for, for all of us, but it's noticing like, Oh, okay. There's something here for me. And then it gives us the ability to lay out our feelings and emotions out on the table. And just to kind of work through them. But the body is what we talk about a lot. Isn't it? Like moving from the mind into the body because emotions and feelings and charges like don't move from us endlessly thinking about stuff. And that's often where we go to isn't it is let me think about all of these things that happened today as a way to try and process it and to feel better. But we can't think our way. We have to get out of feelings and emotions. We have to feel our way out of them. We have to get into the body and use techniques. You talked about EFT tapping, journaling, breath work. There's lots of other things we can use that help us diffuse the emotion. So we can then look at it much more objectively and go like, Oh, okay. What do I do from here? You know, it gives us the ability to make. A different choice, doesn't it? Rather than responding from sort of that old word or that old pattern.
Nicole:Absolutely. And I think one of the great analogies that comes up in that discussion is or about the four steps is that the armor that you feel and how you, how you carry things around that for me was really evident. I'd say that was one of the biggest changes. And one of the things that someone asked me the other day, they're like, cool. So when will you see results from your life coach? I was like. Oh, no, it's already happening. It's present, you know when I moved through some of those things that had clearly, they had been looping thoughts for years that were weighing me down way more than I ever realized that when I actually worked through them, and I'm not saying that I spent weeks working on them, like the four step process takes half an hour, 15 minutes, depends on the situation, you know, I very quickly felt Better, lighter. You talk about working from a more feminine place. I felt that I had more space or more width like I, when I think of the armor or the, the, the weight of those problems in front of me, it was like, I only had a third of my arms free to hug someone because there was all Again, between me and them, that meant that I had all my own stuff to deal with. And, you know, one of the wonders is that you, you're very good at identifying problems or helping with issues in other people's lives, but you can't save them in your own. And the ability to free yourself of that stuff is just like the lightness that I felt and, and, and literally in the kind of three months from then, I. Enjoyed just so, so much less emotional instability and that's probably not the right word, but just a sense of just feeling happy in myself. I felt the ability just to go about my day, being me, feeling comfortable and confident in myself and that I had just. Flipped some of those things off my shoulders. I'd taken this vest off and I could just deal with what was in front of me. And also that if things come up, I knew what to do about it. It wasn't a situation where, cool, I've cleared that because I've had a good vent with my friends, but that stuff's going to pile right back on because I didn't have the framework or way to, to, to properly kind of throw it in the bin and keep walking, which has been, that's been the biggest eye opener about how this is going to change my life. From, you know, historically, but also going forward, that's a skill that I'll never lose. And I'm so thankful to you for that, Annabelle.
Annabele:Oh, you're so welcome, and that's the cool thing about this work, is like, we don't unlearn things, like, once we've learnt it, we've got it. And what I always like to say is, like, these are skills for life. Like, we might work together for three months, or six months, or a year, or you know, longer than that, but it's knowing like, whatever you learn within that time, you'll have it for the next. However long you're alive because you don't ever unlearn it. So it just continues to sort of, I guess, pay dividends. Doesn't it? That you can just keep using these tools. And, you know, from here, Nicole, you'll develop like your own flavor with it or your own style with it. Like you've learned what, what I've taught you, but now you'll take it and you'll sort of use it in your own way or develop or build on it or learn more things or work with other people that kind of builds on all of this stuff. And. It just builds on itself. It gets more and more valuable, more and more useful. It delivers more and more value to you in your life. The, you know, the, the, once we've got it, we've got it for life.
Nicole:Absolutely. And I think it's something that like, I feel so proud of our work for me, but I feel proud as a mom that, you know, I'm a better person and I'm going to be able to pass those skills on hopefully and, and better in my relationships so that that's directly affected the people around me. But then also, you know, my friends and things that I'm like, Like go and spend the time to invest in yourself to be the better version. Cause that's great. It is great. You know, not being sobered and trying to go to bed at night and think of all these things that you've done wrong and what you shouldn't have said. And and you know, we've all been there and I think, those fundamental core concepts that you've helped me with, Annabelle, are things that I hope and wish that all women would know. Because I think it's, for me, it was such a, such a cool thing to realize that it wasn't something that I needed to change. You know, it wasn't like, we're doing this wrong, you're doing this wrong. It was actually just, Providing the skills and the vision and the insight into my own life to be able to drive that car, to know that I was in charge and that I had everything I needed within me. And, you know, if you asked me that six months ago, I probably would have cracked up laughing and being like, absolutely not. I'm a hot mess. How would I be able to help? But I genuinely now feel like I've got it. I, I can do it. I'm absolutely fine. Absolutely. There'll be times where the walls, the wheels fell off, fall off the car and it's not going to be great, but I know what to do about it. And that's so cool. That's the empowerment for me to be able to go forward with this work. And why, you know when I am talking to people about our work, it's not just a point in time that's fixed. It's actually skills for life, which is just. It's such a cool thing to give people in about,
Annabele:I love it. So good. And that's what it's all about is to creating that sense of self empowerment for you. Like to, to know, like, it really is about offering you the skills and the framework and the tools to then be able to continue to help yourself as we've been talking about for many months and years to come after that. Is there anything else that you want to highlight or mention as we sort of start to come to a close in the conversation?
Nicole:I guess, well, first of all, as always, thank you so much, Annabelle. Honestly, I'm a better person for having met you. And I think for anyone who's considering Working with Annabelle or doesn't understand kind of what a life coach was because I, again, as I mentioned, I knew I needed help, but I didn't really know where I think jump in as such an amazing space. It's, and I think one of the skills that Annabelle brings to the table is that it's not fixed course where you come in as person A and you pop out as person B. Annabelle has a real skill for being able to work with anyone, understand anyone. The framework moves and changed. It's not a fixed course whereby you have to follow a set criteria. We've talked about some really different things and some things that I felt didn't really sit in the realms of what Annabelle might be able to everything. Work, personal, anything that I thought that was like, Oh no, no, that's, that's not relevant. You know, you've really jumped in and supported me. And, and so I think yeah, just an amazing space for people to grow and develop. And also that. Putting that time and effort into yourself is, pays dividends. So yeah, take the time, support yourself. You're worth it. And in six months, three months, whenever it is, you'll, you'll be a better version of yourself for you and for your family.
Annabele:Oh, that's so kind. Well, thank you for being so generous with those comments. And I'm really here just to celebrate you and how far you've come and. You know, you talked about feeling really proud of yourself. And I really just echo that for you, like all of the work that you've put in, how you showed up to this experience and how open you've been to, to dive into this stuff. Yeah, it's amazing. And it's been so great to witness and watch, like you've been so committed and I've just loved the experience of working with you. So thank you so much. And I've just loved having you on the podcast too. Thank you for sharing and also just being. Vulnerable and sharing your own experience and the things that were showing up for you. I just think, as we talked about earlier in the conversation, there's so much power and being able to kind of lift the veil up around those things and realize, Hey, this is stuff we, that come up for all of us. And just to, to put words around it. So thank you for being willing to have this conversation and yeah, it's just been so, so wonderful to have you on.
Nicole:Thanks so much Annabelle.